Changes

It's really amazing how much my life has changed in the past three years or so. Looking back at my journals from when I was fourteen and fifteen, I see that I wasn't truly happy. I thought it was as good as it would get for me, but I had no idea that God had so much more in store.

When I was about fourteen, I was incredibly insecure and frustrated. I was surrounded by friends, but I felt lonely sometimes. I felt like I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, or social enough. I felt the pressure to be a certain way, but I had grown up in those surroundings and didn't know any different. I was constantly trying to find a friendship that was stress-free, where I didn't have to worry about how I acted around them, or what they thought about me. I was often trying to become what I thought was beautiful- I wanted the perfect hair, the name-brand clothes, the perfect body, and the makeup that was always just right. I was up until 1 am, stressing sometimes to the point of tears, trying to get all of my schoolwork done, because I wanted to be that girl who had the perfect grades-that girl who had it all together.

What I didn't realize was, "that girl" doesn't exist.

Agh, just thinking back to those times makes me cringe. I was not happy.

There is nothing wrong with wanting friends, or desiring to be beautiful (I am a girl, afterall), or striving to make great grades. But, looking back, I can see that I had allowed myself to become so consumed with all of that that I lost sight of reality.

God is more real than reality is. And God has always loved me just as I am.

When I started homeschooling, the transformation process began. It was not easy- I had to be broken before I could truly see. I felt like I had no friends for a while- though they still cared about me, all my friends from my old school (except for Eli) had moved on, and I was faced with the reality that for years and years, I had been finding my identity in my friends, and what they thought of me, rather than in Christ- his opinion is so much more valuable, and so much more real.

When I allowed myself to let go of that issue that I had harbored for so long, I began to experience freedom. More or less, I was myself around my new friends, who were such blessings. More or less, I let go of the pressure I was putting on myself to look a certain way. And more or less, I stopped putting such an emphasis on schoolwork that I couldn't enjoy outside things.

I said more or less before all of these because, I am still in the transformation process. I will be in the transformation process until the day I am in heaven. God has slowly molded me more and more into the person that he desires for me to be. I still have flaws, and I screw up all the time. But my focus has changed from other people to God, and I can say that with confidence.

I'm so thankful that God has given me my family- they love me and support me, no matter what. Also, my friends are such an incredible blessing- I know what true friendship is, and I couldn't be more thankful. My church, my school...these are places where I can thrive as a follower of Christ. I'm thankful for that, because it's giving me the foundation I will need when I go off to college. That's sneaking up on me...it's closer than I can believe.

Christ loves us with our imperfections, not despite them.

I just had that thought and wanted to put it into writing.

Just something to think about. (:

-caylielane.